


osmosis

by meowkittykenma (azumarheart)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, BPD, BPD-Oikawa, Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Polyamory, Romance, idk just read it plz, its light angst? i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-16
Updated: 2017-04-16
Packaged: 2018-10-19 12:35:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10639956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/azumarheart/pseuds/meowkittykenma
Summary: My body... is water, Oikawa muses. The rain falls in heavy droplets, pelting his skin and making strange thumping sounds against his soaked clothing. A particularly strong one lands on his eyelid, and he groans, reaching his stiff arm up to rub at his eye. His arm splashes back into the water surrounding him. Oikawa lets himself disconnect from his body until he cannot tell what is water and what is skin.aka Oikawa has a mood drop





	

**Author's Note:**

> im sorry if i portray BPD wrong, i tried to do research. i hope you like this!

_My body... is water_ , Oikawa muses. The rain falls in heavy droplets, pelting his skin and making strange thumping sounds against his soaked clothing. A particularly strong one lands on his eyelid, and he groans, reaching his stiff arm up to rub at his eye. His arm splashes back into the water surrounding him. Oikawa lets himself disconnect from his body until he cannot tell what is water and what is skin. The water begins to roar louder in his ears, a crack of thunder making his eyes twitch, but he stays still on the concrete pad in his backyard.

 

 _You know you're probably going to get sick right_ , he tells himself. He lets out a small, breathy laugh before rolling his heavy head to the side. _That's the point_ , he responds. Opening his eyes, he looks over to see one of Hanamaki's roses, barraged by the rain and bobbing every time it's hit. He can't help but relate.

 

It's an everyday occurrence, his emotions going back and forth, switching rapidly from high to low. He hates it, hates the way he can be laughing with his team one moment, then be struck with such overwhelming anxiety the next that he forces himself to stay after practice and work for hours. He hoped the habit would break once he got into college, but I'm still too weak. He hates it. He can be laying with his boyfriends, laughing and kissing and teasing one another. In the next moment, he's overcome with this feeling of isolation, like his boyfriends are going to abandon him. He hates that Iwazumi has seen it enough that he can recognize the switch within the minute. He hates that Hanamaki always seems a bit hesistant when trying to coax him back to the truth. He hates that Matsukawa will kiss him even though he becomes a blubbering mess.

 

Oikawa stops himself in his thoughts. _Wait. That's not what I mean. I don't hate them for doing those things, it's just that... I hate that I'm so fucked up that they have to do it._ He lets out another shuddering breath, closing his eyes and clenching up his face. _Why am I so fucked up? Why do I make them deal with me? They're so amazing and all I do is ruin their lives._

 

What felt like a tear, but may have just been a stray raindrop, ran down the side of his face. His fingers shook in the puddle he lay in, toes clenching, while the hollow feeling inside him grew.

 

"Tooru! What the fuck are you doing?!" Iwaizumi's voice shot out, disturbing the suspended white noise the rain had brought. Oikawa's eyes shot open, and he inhaled sharply when he saw Iwaizumi, Hanamaki, and Matsukawa running toward him from the porch door. Before he knew it, his boyfriends had pulled him up into a sitting position, disorienting him. He was leaning back against Iwaizumi, and blinked heavily at the other two in front of him.

 

"Baby... how long have you been out here?" Hanamaki spoke, pushing back the hair that stuck to Oikawa's forehead. In response he reached his hand up to try and pull Hanamaki's arm away.

 

"...No... go back inside... you're getting all wet..." he rasped out, voice mottled from lack of use and the cold air. I don't care if I get sick, but I can't have them ill too. "Tooru please," Matsukawa pleaded from his other side. Oikawa looked into his eyes and saw the bone-deep worry, and decided to answer honestly. "What time is it?" "9 o'clock at night," Iwaizumi spoke gruffly into his neck, nosing at the skin there. "Mmm... I guess... three hours now?"

 

It had been close to 6 when the feeling had hit. He was trying to make dinner, and ended up spilling the food all over the floor. As soon as the plate hit the ground, he had felt his mood drop. _God, I'm such a fucking mess, I can't do anything right_. He cleaned up the mess on autopilot, _I can't burden them with anything else, they already have to deal with my shit all the time._ When finished, he stood still in the kitchen. His mind began to roar with white noise, anxiety choking him, and he looked around for an escape. His boyfriends wouldn't be home for a while, and he knew that every place inside would remind him of them too much. Oikawa missed them, as he hadn't seen them all day due to an early work shift. His eyes shot around, desperate to find something to calm, something to ground him, when he noticed the weather outside. Three hours later and he was still there.

 

"C'mon love, lets go inside." Iwaizumi's voice was soft and tinged with worry, but before Oikawa could protest, he was lifted up bridal style. The other two ran ahead, Hanamaki holding the back door open, while Matsukawa went inside. Oikawa protested as he was carried inside, as he was sure to be dripping all over the floor, but a shush from Iwaizumi shut him up.

 

Before he knew it he was placed on his feet in their bathroom. He barely caught a glimpse of Matsukawa beginning to run a bath before his soaked clothing was peeled off his body. He stood, naked and shivering, head fuzzy from the change in surroundings. _God, you're pathetic! You can't even take care of yourself. You're like a fucking child, why are you burdening them like this?_ The words shook him to his core, and a soft sob rose from his throat. His eyes clenched closed as tears began to slip out. Suddenly, he felt himself be enveloped in a warm, fluffy towel, and he was pulled into the sturdy embrace of his best friend. Iwaizumi ran his fingers gently through Oikawa's wet hair, kissing against his collarbone and cheeks.

 

"Shh, you're okay baby. Everything's gonna be okay, we're all here for you. We love you so much, and we always will," Iwaizumi spoke softly. Oikawa let out a few more hiccuping sobs, before he wiped his eyes and pulled back. He was guided into the warm bath, which brought back feeling to his appendages. Matsukawa kneeled at the edge of the bathtub, and dampened a towel to wipe the tears from the boy's face. He gently wiped down the parts of Oikawa's that stuck out from the water.

 

Oikawa couldn't help feeling embarrassed, but continued to allow his boyfriend to soothe him. The warm water made him drowsy, but before his eyes could close, he was being coaxed out of the tub. Matsukawa helped him step out onto the bathmat, and dried him off before grabbing the clothing someone had left. Oikawa pulled a large, soft sweater over his head, and used his boyfriend for balance when tugging on his boxers and sweats. He sighed, exhausted to the core, and didn't protest when he was lead into their bedroom. The light in the room was dim, only the string of lights that Oikawa hung around their room shone. Matsukawa deposited him in bed next to an already cozy Hanamaki, pulling the covers up to his chin. He gave Oikawa a loving kiss, trailing his hand softly down the boy's face, before heading into the kitchen to find Iwaizumi.

 

Oikawa felt tears welling in his eyes again, his emotions out of wack and sensitive. He curled sideways as Hanamaki pulled him towards his body, and laid himself partially on top of his boyfriend. The pink haired boy wrapped his arms firmly around Oikawa, letting a hand stroke through the fast drying hair.

 

"How're you feeling sweetheart?" Hanamaki whispered, grabbing one of his boyfriend's hands and bringing it up to kiss it. The sob that seemed perpetually stuck in Oikawa's throat rose again, and he choked before letting it out. He shook with soft cries, and he gripped tighter to the body underneath him, desperate for something to ground him.

 

"I don't want you guys to leave me, please don't leave me, I love you all so much. I'm sorry I make you deal with such a mess, I know I'm a burden, but please don't leave, I don't wanna be alone," he cried out, letting a bit of a whine slip into his words. Hanamaki let out a chorus of 'no's, gripping Oikawa tighter to him.

 

"No baby, no, you're not a burden, you never have been and will never be. We love you too, we'd never think of leaving you. You'll never ever be alone." The comforting words made Oikawa's heart ache, and he halfheartedly wiped at the tears drenching his face. He leaned to Hanamaki's face, and the two kissed slow and passionately. Oikawa pulled away to sniffle, and tucked his head into his boyfriend's neck. Hanamaki could feel the tears that continued to fall, and he offered as many physical reassurances as possible.

 

It wasn't long before the other two returned, carrying a bowl and cup on a tray. Hanamaki propped the other boy up against the pillows, offering him a tissue from the bedside table to blow his nose. Matsukawa set the food gently on Oikawa's thighs, and reached out to push some damp hair away from his face.

 

"Tooru, have some soup and tea to warm up and we'll all go to bed okay?" the sleepy-eyed boy said, looking at the hunched over figure before him. Oikawa rubbed at his eyes, keeping them closed, before letting out a small huff and anxiously twisting his fingers together. Iwaizumi's hand shot out to stop the motion (he knew it would inevitably lead to more painful wringing that would leave Oikawa's hands red and burning).

 

"You guys didn't need to make me food... I already fucked up dinner earlier. I'm sorry, I know you were expecting a meal when you got home. Please, don't give this to me I don't deserve it, one of you should-" Oikawa's speaking was cut short by something warm bumping his lips. He looked up to see Matsukawa holding the spoon out.

 

"Don't say that. We understand if you don't make dinner, especially if you're not feeling okay. Just let us dote on you okay? Eat up." Oikawa had no time to protest before the soup was in his mouth. After another spoonful, he took the utensil for himself, feeling embarrassed at being fed. He was thankful that his boyfriends didn't watch over him as he ate. Instead they fiddled around the room, setting up like it was a normal night. Iwazumi went into the rest of the house, turning off lights and locking the doors, Matsukawa turned on the small noise maker that helped Hanamaki's insomnia, and switched on the dim nightlight that sent stars across the ceiling, while Hanamaki fluffed up the pillows and arranged the blankets in the perfect order. Soon enough, Oikawa finished his meal, and the tray was slid from his lap onto the desk.

 

Wordlessly, the boys arranged themselves in the large bed, setting Oikawa between Matsukawa and Iwaizumi. Hanamaki lay behind Matsukawa, because although he loved to cuddle with his boyfriends, being in the middle gave him a strange sense on claustrophobia when trying to sleep, which only made his insomnia worse. Oikawa tucked his head into Matsukawa's chest, feeling the warm press of Iwaizumi behind him, and reached his arm over to hold hands with Hanamaki.

 

"I love you all. So much. Thank you for always treating me so well, even when I'm a mess," Oikawa spoke softly into the collarbones of his boyfriend. Gentle reassurances were murmured in response, and soon enough, they were all asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm a bit iffy on the ending, sorry if it's not great! (also sorry if the formatting is weird, i used rich text for the first time and had some trouble)


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